Last night I slept at Ms house. He invited me there so that we could have a chat and he could show me where he lives. This part of the city is called Majengo and it is lower than my home and so it's even warmer here. Before I left my room J warned me because M is a guy and only has one bed. I just said nothing is going to happen we are all adults here. He was still a bit concerned when I left. Boys!
When I wake up M starts talking about feelings and controlling them and I'm getting a headache. Why are all the men around me jumping to couple fantasies? After a very oily breakfast (oily means: He fried two eggs for each of us in a good amount of cooking oil. We had white bread with a thick layer of butter and a hot chocolate. In order to get the hot chocolate he mixed boiling water with milk powder to get milk and Nesquik powder to get the chocolate flavor. “To make this perfect” he added three spoons of sugar.) I go home. Not sooner that I entered my room I receive a message from M. He wants me to inform him when I arrived safely at home. I write back that I just entered my room and I thank him for his hospitality.
M: You really don't have to thank me because
from me, it's something that you deserve.
Me: Alright then we're even.
M: Loreen, i still have to need you by my side.
Me: M, I wish I could say the same because I really want to experience such an attraction to someone else. But I can not say the same since that would
not be true. I have to say that you are not my favorite company but definitely a nice one.
M: Oooh, that's perfectly "ok" but i still have
to let you think about it. Because i don't want
you to only be friend but more than a friend.
Me: I think something like that will develop and I won't plan to either stay your friend or become more than a friend. Just as we agreed to: it is happening naturally.
M: Even if you're not convinced to have the
feelings like i do, i'll would ask you to always
be my company and share the moments
together.
Me: I like talking to you but I sometimes feel like we don't have something to talk about.
So I'd prefer to meet only for talking.
M: I don't think so, but the truth is: we could
have a lot of things to talk about if you gave
me a chance to share my feelings with you.
And you would really enjoy the moment we
spend together
But i'm sometimes feeling guilty to force your
feelings, what i like is to see that happening
naturally; and for this, we need more time to
be close.
However, you shouldn't take it too complicated
because i'll always understand what you want
until then. Let's just proceed like we always do
and later on, if you'll feel anything else; inform
me.
Me: This definitely sounds like planing.
In case I will have feelings for you (what I doubt to be completely honest) I will consult you.
I don't think it's complicated just pressed.
M: Alright but i know my own problem, once
i fall to somebody i never cease thinking about
her. Don't exclude me from you, that's the only
way to help me. You're free to visit me as
many times as you like.
But remember: don't include me among those
guys who always disturb you because i'm really
different from them. I've not yet proporsed you
to be my girlfriend but what am trying is to let
you know you're a valuable and special woman
that deserves my attention. Keep in touch.
Me: 1. You say I should not exclude you from my life because that is – according to you – the only way how I could help you.
2. You say I should not include you among those guys who disturb me.
Both statements indicate that you already fear that this is going to happen since it's the truth.
End of the story!
M: What do you mean,.? Have you concluded
it to be like that already.? Anyway, i don't know
what to say more because i think you're
negatively considering me
If you could read my heart, you would
understand what i mean
And when do you plan to spend the night again
with me?
(J tells me this is enough and asks wether I would let him call M. I do.)
Memory protocol from J:
M: Hi Loreen.
J: Not Loreen speak, J speak.
M: I heard a lot about you.
J: Did you see the message?
M: Yes, I saw the message. But who are you to
ask that? Are you her company?
J: Did you understand the messages?
M: Why are you care about the messages?
J: It's not about the messages. It's about
you to understand them.
You have to take it slow and understand
everything like the way she says in the
message.
M: I know a lot of white people. And a lot of white
People have been in my room: Lars, Anna, Loreen
and many more.
You have to understand I am someone with
authority. Watch out.
J: What you say might be true or the
other way around.
M: You study about medicine right? Even me and
my friend we plan to study about medicine.
J: Yes, you can study about medicine. But
that wouldn't have anything to do with
me.
M: My brother and me have a company for
tourists. So, we pick white people from the airport
so we know them a lot.
Don't think that I am just like BM or G. I used to be
a teacher there but I'm not a teacher anymore.
J: Yes, Loreen told me about that. And
that is what surprised me because she
told me that you are the person who she
can ask for advice for the school and
about what happens there since you
have been a teacher there.
When I saw your messages it was quite a
surprise.
M: What are you surprised about? I know how to
live with white people. Me and my brother we
have a tourist company.
J: Please read the messages. Read them
Carefully. And try to understand them.
M: Me and my brother have a …
(J cuts of the call. But after a minute M calls back again.)
M: Loreen?
J: Yeah.
(M ends the call.)
We enjoy our dinner and the usual competition of the conductors when we drive home.
When I get up I realize today is the day of my first dancing lesson. I am so looking forward to this. I put on my sports clothes and while I'm brushing my teeth M calls me. I ignore it. I go over to J and knock at his door. We start walking all the way down the hill up to Moshi Club. J asks me why I am in my sports cloth and I ask back why he is not in his. He also wonders why I am carrying a bottle of water with me but I say I have experience in dancing and he will see that I need this. When we walk down I look at my watch. Oh goodness, am I becoming unpunctual? We are not in time. But J says: “Don't worry, this is nothing.” In this particular moment my phone rings.
M: Good morning Loreen, is this what you
planned to do.? I really couldn't think you may be
like that. You've completely disappointed me by
doing what you did yesterday. If someone is wrong
then you should at least tell them instead of
embarassing them. Am really sorry for what
happened because i never knew that i could be
wrong. But i do promise you that it'll never happen
again. So erase every negative notice you took
from me because i'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
I've forgiven you and i won't wrongly judge you
however, according to your conscience you should be
honest. Have nice day. (Peace.!)
And i if you won't mind, just send me a number of your
neighbour. There's a way he considered me (i think it's
due to explanations you gave him) and just forgot he's
running the same competion but different paths. So I
really want to clear this mess (peacefully) by confidently
talking to him like a man and not in a cowarldy way like
he did yesterday.
*cowadly* (typing error)
J and I start discussing this again and laughing hard. He has forgiven me! For what? This is just another try to manipulate me into feeling guilty. When we arrive at the Club we sit down and rest. A few minutes later the teacher joins us. He is pretty young and introduces himself, KM, and the dance style: African and Hip-Hop. That sounds perfect. He would like to show us but he doesn't have the key for the room. He shows us his choreography on the tennis pitch anyway. His moves look somehow unclean but that is also what makes his dance very nice to look at. When he is finished I see his sweat pearls but he doesn't look exhausted. Now it's my turn. I really want to do this. J is our DJ (since he “forgot” his sports clothes) and audience. He has a great time watching me struggle. This style of dancing is completely new and difficult. I'm getting red and when KM asks to repeat the choreography for the forth time I need a break to drink something. It is the best exhaustion I can get.
When we finish I need to rest, all I can manage is a high-five with KM and J. KM tells J that I look like I really want to dance and I seem good but J doesn't look like it at all. I laugh hard and feel the parts of my body ache where I am going to have a muscle ache tomorrow. We arrange our dancing lessons for every Saturday and Sunday at 12 o’clock. Then we say goodbye. When I'm back in my room, I wash my clothes, clean my room and take a shower. I walk over to J and he invites me in. I sit down and show him what I have prepared as an answer for M.
Me:
You: What do you mean?
Answer: As soon as you had asked me not to exclude you it is
obvious that exactly this will help you. And also you asked me
not to include you into the other guys but that shows that you
already know you're exactly likewise.
You: Have you concluded it to be like that already.?
Answer: Yes
You: Anyway, i don't know what to say more because i think you're negatively considering me.
Answer: I don't need to consider anything I just read your messages and they are pretty clear.
You: If you could read my heart, you would understand what i mean.
Answer: I don't want to read your heart at the moment I'm fine with your messages.
You: And when do you plan to spend the night again with me?
Answer: I am not planing to do that at all! How can you ask me that when you just wrote you think I'm negatively considering you?
You: Good morning Loreen, is this what you planned to do.?
Answer: Yes, it is. I did not want to talk to you and take time to prepare an appropriate answer.
You: I really couldn't think you may be like that.
Answer: Join the club.
You: You've completely disappointed me by doing what you did yesterday.
Answer: I did not do anything at all. I tried to tell you open and honestly what I think. But you did not listen nor read a single word.
You: If someone is wrong then you should at least tell them instead of embarassing them.
Answer: I told you. How did I embarrass you?
You: Am really sorry for what happened because i never knew that i could be wrong.
Answer: We talked about right and wrong yesterday! This is about being polite or disrespectful/rude and wanting too much.
You: But i do promise you that it'll never happen again.
Answer: I know it won't because I will personally see to it so it won't be repeated.
You: So erase every negative notice you took from me because i'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Answer: This mess is more than just a simple misunderstanding. I won't erase it since this is another experience from which I can learn.
You: I've forgiven you
Answer: For what did you forgive me?
You: and i won't wrongly judge you
Answer: How could you? I did not do anything.
You: however, according to your conscience you should be honest.
Answer: I am, always!
You: Have nice day. (Peace.!)
And i if you won't mind, just send me a number of your neighbour.
Answer: I think he would mind.
You: There's a way he considered me (i think it's due to explanations you gave him)
Answer: I did not give him any explanations. I told him what happened and showed him your messages and he figured out his own
conclusion.
You: and just forgot he's running the same competion but different paths.
Answer: What competition are you talking about? Trying to get me as a girlfriend? I am not an award! And remember: you denied that when I asked you directly!
You: So I really want to clear this mess (peacefully) by confidently talking to him like a man and not in a cowardly way like he did yesterday.
Answer: He was not at all cowardly! He was the one calling you in order to help me to make you understand.
You: *cowadly* (typing error)
Response: You spelled it correctly the first time.
He says that's good. I press on “send” and then we take a DalaDala to town. It's my first time on the front seat. I want to enjoy this as much as possible and so I try to see everything and remember it. This DalaDala doesn't have a back mirror but a shoe instead. It might come in handy. I can't see a lot of the street because there are countless certificates on the glass. I wonder how this car got those because the window is also broken. I enjoy this soooo much. When we step out of the car we see a carriage in which a guy is standing and trying to hold his balance. He looks like he is surfing.
During the dinner M writes back:
M: Alright, thanks. Have a nice evening my friend.
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